Safe people

I was talking the other day with a woman who had read my book; she was commenting that she was struck by the idea of unsafe friends. She realized that she had some unsafe people in her life, and she found some healing in the loss of that friendship. In the book I talk about unsafe friends as it relates to grief. These are the friends that have the best of intentions around baby loss and grief, but don’t have the follow through.

After my conversation with this women I thought it might be helpful if I talk about unsafe people in general. It seems true that we have all met them at some point, and are often unaware of the impact.

Unsafe people leave us feeling missed. The friends that we “can’t really” be open with because we know that our secrets won’t be held. Or the friends that we withhold just a little bit of who we are because we will feel judged…we make excuses for the relationship, either in our heads or when confronted by the question of “why are you friends with so and so”? These people can be considered unsafe. Sometimes they are long term relationships that, in the past, were solid and fulfilling. Over time, people change; needs change, but the depth of relationships sometimes don’t.

Sometimes these are new relationships the feel good in the moment. We work to sustain the feelings that we felt in the beginning, only to recognize that we are in a relationship with someone whose actions don’t match their words. These are unsafe people.

Our safe friends are the ones we can be open with, the ones that know us to our core and we feel seen. And, it goes without mentioning, that we feel loved in these friendships.

Recognizing the safety is friendships is the first step. With the awareness we can then decide what action we want to take.

• do we have a conversation with this person?

• do we hold them at a distance?

• do we need to walk away from the friendship?

There is no right or wrong way to approach it, and no one can give you the answer.

I would encourage recognition, and then decide what works for you.