God

I have worked with a lot of women that, after grieving their child, struggle in their relationship with God. It isn’t because they believe God has changed, but because the way they view God does. For many, God becomes scary.

Prior to loss, it seems easy to trust God with all things. It is easy to say God is good all the time. How many times have you heard, or said yourself, “God blessed us with…”But, when we say goodbye to our child, it becomes scarier to trust God with all things. We see the fragility of life, and that God does indeed give and take away.

We become convinced that our plan is far better than God’s plan. We find it more difficult to “let go and let God”, (if you will), because letting God means that I might have to grieve more. I might lose more of those I love. I might have to trust that His plan is better, even though I believe, with my whole being, that my plan seems far better. How can it be better that my child die? How can it be better that my child suffer? The struggle becomes allowing yourself to be anxious in the knowledge that I have no control over anything outside of myself; and to relinquish that control into the hands of God, who took my child, can feel scary.

Women are told “you just have to”. You just have to trust. You just have to believe. You just have to lean on God.

I will say that sometimes this is hard, and if you find yourself struggling with this right now it is OK. Recognize if you are feeling anxious and trying to control things around you. If you can, lean into the anxiety and fear. This is where you will find the freedom to stop trying to control.

God will be there when you are ready. He will not leave or give up on you. He understands your pain; even to the depths that we avoid going.

He is also big enough to hear that you don’t want to trust Him. He can handle that, and I think, sometimes He expects it.

When you can, allow yourself an honest conversation with Him. Sit with the disappointment of what you thought would have happened. Recognize that God does love you, and is still here.